I went to the gym today and as usual, my gym-thoughts led me into a revelation. So, if you’ve been following me on socials you’ll know I’m currently preparing for my first ever powerlifting competition (or barely preparing actually).
The comp is 2 weeks away, I’m 2kg heavier in bodyweight and have lost some of my strength gains after not training during my trip. But that’s really not a surprise, I mentally prepared for it before I left. I knew this was likely going to be my reality when I came back and decided ahead of time that I just wouldn’t make a fuss about it. Side note: if you can mentally/ emotionally brace yourself for something ahead of time, do it. It saves you a lot of wasted energy.
Anywayyyy, the lesson my body taught me was this: meet myself where I’m at, not where I should be.
The ego has a funny way of being unrelenting until it gets its way.
My ego always wants everything to go perfectly according to plan. It struggles with change, setbacks and delays. So when something like this happens i.e. I come back home much heavier and much weaker, my ego wants to chuck a fit. And what does it do when it chucks a fit? It launches me headfirst into my ‘masculine’ energy. I find myself being driven by guilt, shame & fear into action.
Often this looks like destructive action such as working out too much, trying to lift more weight than my body can or under-eating. These are actions I often find myself taking when I’ve attached my identity and self worth to an outcome, more specifically in this scenario - the outcome of hitting certain numbers at the competition.
The reality my ego does not want to face is that there may be a chance I won’t hit those numbers on the goal chart. Although there’s still a possibility I still could, my ego fears that if I don’t, then I am a failure. That’s why it does everything it possibly can to stop that from happening, including driving me over the edge.
Today, while I was training- I experienced this first hand having an internal battle in my head about whether to load more weight on the bar (and exhaust myself) or to play the “grace” card and just have a reasonably easy session & give my absolutely best for the sake of an emotional/ mental win. I let grace win today… and I’m glad I did.
I even experienced this with my business. Y’know, the post-travel blues. You’re on a travel high and then all of a sudden, you’re in the pits of self-pity and guilt for not working hard enough. Oh yeah. I was there today.
Loves, often what we need most when we’ve “fallen behind” or “off track” on our intended timeline is grace. Lots of it. But typically, we don’t give it to ourselves. Instead we punish ourselves and hustle & grind to prove our worthiness. I’ve found that it helps to remind yourself from time to time that your intended timeline or plan is always just an estimate. It never really is an accurate picture.
The best thing we can ever ask of ourselves is our very best.
And the most gracious and kind thing we can ever do for ourselves every day is to meet ourselves where we’re at, at that present time.
There is no use comparing yourself to somebody else or an idealised future-version of you for the sake of whipping yourself into action.
It doesn’t work like that.
We don’t thrive under scarcity and punishment.
Sure, it might seem productive for a while.
But it sure ain’t sustainable.
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