I’m in Vietnam as I write this and I’m feeling kind of home sick. I don’t know if it’s because my body is not feeling 100% or because my period may be coming soon. I left Bali yesterday and honestly wished I was just going to be flying home. I’ve had so much resistance in the lead up to this leg of my trip and although it’s an exciting thing to be doing a motorbike tour on the Ha Giang Loop, frankly, I’m exhausted by the thought of it. I haven’t packed for how cold it’s going to be so my mission today is to hunt for some clothing items I can use.
A huge part of me just wants to call it quits. It’s very unlike me to even consider such an option let alone to feel so homesick. I have a feeling there's more to this under the surface... something along the lines of my internal battle manifesting on a physical level.
But I’m acknowledging all the factors too... There are a bunch of different reasons why I can be nervous, worried and homesick yes, and what if I let myself feel that and still follow through?
There are many things we will feel courageous enough to attempt in the moment. And there are many times we may be tempted to take back our commitment because when push comes to shove, the commitment seems far too big for us to overcome.
That’s currently how I feel about everything in life right now if I’m being honest.
At some point in the last 2 weeks, my motivation declined. My clarity went out the window and my confidence shot down. I felt discouraged and overwhelmed by the task I’d set out to accomplish.
Building and releasing the ‘Business without Hustle’ program all of a sudden felt all too much for me. I saw other coaches in the industry begin to launch similar things and my confidence took a hit, I found myself thinking “what’s the point of me releasing this then?” I saw the massive stretch I still had before me in order to complete this program and felt the weight of it all at once.
I ask myself, if I were my own client what would I say? I’d probably give myself some grace… and then tell myself to toughen the f up. I don’t swear… but clearly my gut is trying to make a point right now. I’ve become aware of my lack of confidence in re-attempting things. I struggle to put up a fight against my own demons, often letting my own security and self doubt get the best of me.
I realised recently that my track record of starting things and not finishing them comes from a lifetime of never taking responsibility of this. I’d always tell myself “you should know better than this” or simply beat myself up for the fact that I’m struggling to begin with... never actually giving myself a chance to overcome it. And then of course, it would all get too overwhelming and I’d spiral from there. I seem to never be able to get myself out of the self pity hole and into re-attempting, troubleshooting and problem-solving my own mental drama.
Coming to terms with this recently I think has been heavy on me. I expected it to be easier to be honest, but it’s hit me hard. So maybe that’s why I’ve felt like I’ve been in such a grieving process recently. It’s like I’ve had a major reckoning of my own self-imposed limitations and it’s causing me to really confront myself.
As I sit here and really process my emotions, I can feel how real they are. And I can also feel the weight of this season of my life. There’s a lot more I’m dealing with than I expected… much like my first trip here.
Perhaps life is inviting me here for a reason. There’s something to be experienced and learnt. I can feel my resistance towards it. My body is quite literally shutting down at the thought of going into the ‘hard things’ I don’t want to deal with - but perhaps this whole thing is an opportunity for me to enter my next level.
Isn't it funny how opportunities are often disguised as resistance? Oh how much we would grow if we embraced the resistance.
Maybe this is what life is asking of me...
I got a sense that this month would be big for me somehow… surely this is the bridge to get to the other side. Maybe how I mentally process this will show me what's happening within.
It’s always messy before it gets good right?
Anyway, I'll be hanging in there.
xx Nic
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