It's funny how you can be so convinced you've left an old path, only to find yourself back on it...
wrestling with the same old demons.
battling the same fears.
walking the same paths.
Even when we do our best to transcend our current circumstances, 'personal developing' our way through it
It's almost like life has this all-knowing plan at play and no matter what we do, it's hand will make the final move
It's been 4 months since I found myself in a similar place. Awake but feeling numb inside. Feeling stuck in a deep, dark pit unable to climb my way out. My energy and inspiration feels zapped out of me and I'm so deep in my emotional and mental spiral that I can't even make sense of day to day things.
I feel brain dead.
And worst of all... I'm ashamed of it.
How am I here again?
What caused this?
I thought I was past this?
I can't help but question my inner turmoil. Surely something was brewing underneath, hiding sneakily underneath my excitement, buzz and 'busy-ness.'
How did I miss it?
I've been on my healing journey. I've been unearthing the 'stuff' under the surface... what could this be? And why did it decide to rear it's ugly head now- just when things were starting to get good.
I feel like an addict who has relapsed.
I want to run away.
I want to do nothing. Be no one.
I never saw myself to be someone who would be caught too long in the struggle. I could always get myself out of a pit on my own. I'd somehow inspire myself to be a bigger person, think about a greater cause or something of the sort.
But these blows are far too intense. It took me months the first time, and now I'm afraid it'll be the worse this time.
The worst that I feared is here.
I still feel lost.
I still feel confused.
I still feel broken.
And that's the hardest part of it all... the fact that I believed I wasn't.
Still.
Why am I still a mess?
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