It’s my first full day in Bali again and this time I’ve chosen a remote village, 2 hours from the city. It’s quiet, very few tourists and I don’t even have the option to order a GoJek for food or transport (local transport only). Coincidentally, I ended up arriving here on the eve of Nyepi (the Balinese Hindu new year) where the entire island goes silent to reflect, meditate and tune inward. The essence of Nyepi is beautiful and I remember recently arriving this time last year in Bali as well and becoming so in awe of the concept. The whole island, prioritising restfulness, inner stillness and reconnection.
After arriving yesterday I felt extremely disoriented. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions and my thoughts became so loud and obtrusive as the evening approached. It was the same familiar experience that I had last year when absolutely everything in my life came into question. It was in that time at my first ‘Surrender Experiment’ that I realised I had a lot of deeper healing and inner self discovery to do… and that it wasn’t going to be easy. Since then, I’ve spent the whole year looking inward, surrendering, allowing my soul to take the lead and learning to let go of my ‘learned self.’ Safe to say, since then I feel like an entirely different person. I feel that inner peace pervade my life more and more, the kind of peace that enlightened people talk about. But I knew coming back this year to Bali was significant, I was just pre-occupied in the days leading up to my departure to stop, reflect and tune in to what was intended for me here.
I've decided to minimise my attachment to material posessions and the need for "more" by symbolically packing just one small suitcase. By the time arrived, I felt less weighed down and capable of focusing more on the present moment (funny how that works hey?). So anyway,
Saying goodbye at Sydney airport
I asked myself this morning as I awoke, “why did I come back to Bali?” I could have gone anywhere else for my Surrender Experiment this year but I thoughtlessly booked myself a flight here.
Now as I seriously ask myself that question- the answer comes in a gentle whisper and it says something along the lines of “the work is not done yet.”
I visited a healer the first time I came to Bali and he told me I was “thinking too much”, using my head to make sense of everything and to plan my life. He instructed me to practise meditating more. He made specific mention to my ancestors and how connecting to them would be the way I find my purpose in this life, upon which after inquiring with my grandmother I discovered they were ‘healers.’
I visited Bali again 8 months later and saw the same healer, this time he told me he noticed an improvement. I’ve learnt to “let go” a little more and enjoy life again. Now this time, my work was to “live from the heart” and to find “gratitude” in everything. The following months were some of my most difficult ones financially and it proved to be exactly what I needed. I learnt that to experience my true abundance (which has nothing to do with material things), I needed to find liberation from money.
I needed to learn to be content with little or much. So I did a lot of money identity work. I found self sufficiency and inner peace without needing anything other than myself.
And eventually, as my consciousness of my inner wealth increased, my finances started to take an upturn too.
That season felt pivotal. I had a sense at the time as I was in the pit of struggling with money that it was connected to my search for identity, purpose and direction. Although I am still on that journey, I knew it was foundational to what I was yet to discover so I NEEDED to allow myself to go through it. Now that I can see so much of my unhappiness and lack in life came from my money stories- it was only through unearthing my scarcity mentality that I began to discover a deeper underlying root… unworthiness.
In the final few weeks before my departure, I felt the prompting of my soul calling me to examine my worth. The message I was getting was to have the courage to be happy. To be content & grateful. I thought about what the healer had said about finding “gratitude” in everything and this was one thing I had yet to really live out.
Back home, I’d begun to be so intentional about everything that 97% of the time I was curating experiences that allowed me to experience gratitude. I’d been practising “allowance” (my word for 2024) by letting matters unfold in my life without holding judgment or offering resistance to them. This state of being has slowly begun to be my reality- not just something I put on.
Now as I find myself here, on the first full day of my Surrender Experiment (coincidentally on the day of silence) I can’t help but wonder how this call to “contentment” will integrate for me. I feel as though there’s much to be learnt, starting with letting go of the part of me that wants to “protect” and “preserve” itself- a lot of which shows up through my business.
The remote village I'm staying in is surrounded by luscious greenery, mountains and rice fields (Sidemen, Bali).
How does this affect my business and career efforts today?
Well, lately, I keep hearing a whisper in my heart say “let go of the need to be significant”. It’s bought so much peace to my workflow especially because so much of what I attempt to do (unconsciously) online, through business and marketing is to be someone of significance.
All the gurus and social media experts are telling us we need to visible right? That’s the only way apparently. Yet at the same time, I know that’s not my path. So it makes me so confused… I dont want to be viral or popular for the sake of it. I want to help people change their lives for good.
But in the digital economy, how exactly do I create an impact or generate income without striving to be more visible?
And that’s where I stand today. Finding my way of genuinely helping people outside of my ego’s agenda. Releasing the need to be known or seen while helping and adding hope to people’s lives wherever and whenever I have the opportunity to do so. Whether this is an invitation to step back and trust that my purpose can and will be fulfilled even as I unsubscribe to the chase for more significance, attention and money… or whether it’s a call to sift through my intentions for everything I do… I guess I’ll find out eventually. For now, I’m slowing down and tuning inward to inform my business values, strategy and mission with these learnings.
After all, the business is just a vehicle to accomplish my mission.
I have to say as well, I feel in my heart of hearts as I explore my ‘essence’ (my true nature) there is an invitation to unearth my inner child again… who funnily enough I know very little about. Somehow I lost all recollection of memories before I was 7 years old and perhaps I must seek to learn about who I was before I learned to be everything the world told me to be. I feel this discovery is deeply connected to my “feeling worthy” to help others one at a time.
I came to this island with an acute awareness of the unworthiness I feel towards making more money but more importantly doing it more effortlessly. I didn't feel deserving to earn more for less effort (which is counter-intuitive to what I teach). That arising unworthiness showed me that what it’s really about is the unworthiness around being a valuable contributor to the lives of many by just being my own damn self.
I’ve had an inclination to shift my motives in life and business to focus on the collective, adding value, creating community & serving people as my one intention in life.
I even heard myself say it aloud during a sales conversation (which surprised me). I said “I don’t need the money” (even though I could do with it, given my bank account was scraping its last dollars).
Wholeheartedly I said, “money is not what motivates me to do the work I do. I just want to see you thrive in life.” And it shocked me that I truly and deeply meant what I said. Irrespective of my material needs, I could feel the deep trust I held in the universe to support my needs. Money was not the solution. And I continued to say to the prospective client, “I only want you to invest in yourself if you are ready to truly do the work to change your life once and for all.” Hoping that it would challenge him to seriously think about making another investment to better his life and business, I urged that investing now from a place of disbelief would make no difference. And that I’d probably just give his money back if I started to see signs of apathy and unwillingness to do the deeper, necessary work he needed on himself.
So in little ways I can see the shift begin to take place.
My heart is full, my essence is in re-discovery and my evolution continues.
There is no need to rush. I must remain present and conscious to all that I do and eventually (like always), I will find myself where I need to be.
For now, that’s the journey so far and a glimpse into what my heart is open to receive on this Surrender Experiment.
I’ll keep you posted.
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