I woke up one morning and had a dream about my friend and her father. Her family was so consumed by their bitterness toward him that they attacked him as he pleaded for grace. My friend however, told them to stop and filled with forgiveness, she motioned for them to cease. As I woke up, I felt startled by this. I thought of my own relationship with my father. And as I went about my morning walk, I felt this thought dawn on me. "What if the life I have today was all because of my father?" I've just come back from a trip to Thailand and have every intention to continue exploring & travelling the world. Last night, I returned a phone call from my dad. He wanted to speak to me while I was in Thailand but I made every excuse not to call him. Finally I did. And it was a day after I had already arrived back home. A part of me felt guilty that I was travelling and living life while he was working so hard, for so little, becoming more and more weary trying to make do with what he has to support his new family. When I called him, he was filled with love and grace. All he wanted was to check in on me. And then he simply invited me to dinner. That was it. So as I reflected on this, it dawned on me that if there's anyone I need to thank for the life I have today, the opportunities, the resources and the freedom- it's my father, who gave up the good life he had in the Philippines and moved our entire family across the borders. He lives a meek life and is the opposite of wealthy, yet after all these years, he still calls to invite me into his home to share a meal. He may not express his love intimately or openly but he does indeed love me. He always has.
Dear father,
I apologise firstly for not being courageous enough to give you this letter myself. We were never really the affectionate type. I apologise that I let my ego get in the way every time I want to tell you how I feel & every time I try to connect with you. I stop myself from being vulnerable or showing any real emotion whenever I speak to you. I restrict what I show. Maybe because I’m afraid? Worried I’ll get hurt again if I decide to be vulnerable. But I’m past that now. I’ve grown up, forgiven you and welcomed the restoration of our relationship.
To the point of this letter. I am writing this to thank you.
Thank you for buying the plane ticket that changed my life.
Thank you for all the years you’ve sacrificed for me so I can live here, in this country of freedom, safety & opportunity. Thank you for every last drop of sweat you sowed into the seeds of my life, so I could live in the safety I now live freely in today.
Thank you for the business you gave up, the riches you traded and the hours you worked to move our family and home across the seas and onto this land.
Thank you for the laborious hours, the jobs you took, the positions you took on and the shame you took on. Thank you that even today, thought life has never returned the status, the riches & the lifestyle you sacrificed for my good, you do not despise me or hold me to it.
Thank you for your selflessness and pure, deep & unconditional love for me.
All my life I believed you didn’t love me, when all along, you were doing this for love.
When you left and didn’t come to find me, I blamed you and never took the time to understand why.
Maybe you were hurting? Maybe you weren’t allowed to? Whatever it was, I see the full picture. I see my life not being what it is without you and everything you’ve done for me. I forgive you and I love you wholeheartedly.
And I forgive myself, also. For not allowing myself to love you and trust you. For spending all those years of my youth with a closed heart to you.
I was so lost in my bitterness and hurt that I couldn’t read between the lines.
This was how you knew to love. You don’t speak the same language as I do. The way you love is distant but I see now that it is not any less powerful or true.
You have always loved me and have never stopped being proud of me.
You have fathered me with your prayers, intentions and faith. Even when I refused to let you in, you loved me from afar.
I release my wounds. I surrender my walls. I open my heart again to receive from and give love to you.
You know, you & I are much more similar than I thought. All these years, I never got to know you properly. Hardly got to have a proper conversation. I’d envy the kids who were close with their fathers because I felt like mine was a stranger. I hardly knew a thing about you (explains the vague Christmas/ Birthday gifts every year, right?) But now as I get older, I’m a little wiser, more forgiving & more understanding. We have conversations from time to time and each one surprises me.
I am like my father.
You are an entrepreneur. You are good with your words. You are personable. You are lovable. You are a leader. You are filled with hope. You are passionate. You are confident. And you are kind.
So, so, so kind.
It never occurred to me how much I could be like you… because for so long, I told myself you were the cause of all the disruption in our family and the cause of my hurt. I didn’t want to be like you. But you are a human too. You make mistakes, you give yourself grace and you carry on. You are going through your own battles too. Just like I am. Just like we all are.
So, papa. There it is. My heart poured out on a page.
Thank you. Thank you for giving me the life and the opportunities that changed my life. Because of you and your love for me, I get to live in a land of possibility and freedom. I get to have options you never had and many around the world, will never have. I will never take it for granted.
I promise to open up more and more and for the first time, pursue a genuine and loving relationship with you.
I love you.
Your daughter,
Nicole
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