I’m learning to just BE. To find my worth in just existing. I’m learning to be a nobody in the world. Detached from the labels. Not playing any roles or attaching my worth to what I produce. I’m learning to be somebody to myself. And when I am her… the world actually sees me for me.
It’s weird… when you’ve associated who you are to what you DO for so long & all of a sudden you no longer depend on that to define you.
It’s like. Well then who tf am I?
Coming alive through dance
Lately I’ve been dancing. A LOT. It’s one of the few things that make me feel like my true self, my essence, the familiar version of me that feels all too familiar yet long estranged.
When I dance, I feel alive. I feel every cell in my body light up.
And it’s not just any kind of dancing… it’s DANCING with a capital D. The shameless kind. The non-conservative. The I’m-taking-up-space-so-you-better-dance-with-me-or-move-outta-the-way kind.
one of the most memorable nights of my life, dancing until the morning to afro beats with my new friend Natasha, from Shanghai
I’ve been really resonating with the idea that music is not meant to be just listened to… it’s here to be FELT.
I can see how people have long found solace and aliveness at the same time through the act of creation.
It’s like when we create, we come back to ourselves. And when we experience the created, we are also coming back to one another.
Creativity is our essence.
No wonder it's been my saving grace these days.
I’ve been reading this book, The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin and it’s been reframing everything I know about creativity and the creation process. Its underlying theme is that we are all creators simply by Being.
We are also part of the created i.e. nature. Therefore any attempt to label, categorise or control just becomes restrictive and eventually cutting off our life supply.
I’m catching myself when I say things like “I could never do that,” boxing myself in and not even giving myself a chance to try because of previous experiences or judgments.
I’m noticing when I’m holding preconceived expectations over an experience, like judging it as “good” or “bad,” therefore not allowing myself to receive the gift of the moment itself.
My mind is getting in the way much less. I feel like I don’t need to try as hard to stay in the present moment and to silence the chatter. It’s crazy how much energy I get back from not having to spend it all on incessant overthinking.
I watched a video lately describing the season that Aquarius is currently in and the girl in the video said something like “the world has never seen you like this before.” People will literally not recognise this version of you because they have never seen it before.
It’s my era.
The age of Aquarius.
And it couldn’t make more sense why I’m undergoing all of this.
the confidence i have in my body and my self expression has radically shifted
For the 2 weeks that I felt like I died and came back to life, I was not sure what to make of this. My mind wanted to label it as “bad” because it was just too foreign for it to accept. It couldn’t understand or see how this could lead to an even better reality.
The fact that I struggled (and am still struggling) to connect to my mind and even make plans for the future was challenging at first but only because my ego didn’t want to detach. But now I feel my ego peeling away and I can see and think much more clearly.
So yes, in a way I feel like this is a homecoming.
Yet at the same time, I feel that it’s not “I’m back,” it’s “I’m new.”
OH YEAH... I also forgot to mention, I shut down my business IG. 14 years of being online for "other people" and 4 years of identifying with what I DO through the business. Buried and in the ground once and for all.
A message I sent to Jose when I started to gain some sort of clarity to explain what I'd been experiencing
I don't know if it will re-emerge or stay in the ground... but I do know I needed to do it. I thought I could just let it sit in the background but after the very act of pressing deactivate, i literally felt the shift in my energy. I felt all the strings detach.
I'm free. And I had no clue the thing I was trying to find freedom through was actually what was holding me captive all along.
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