It’s the first time in weeks that I can finally hear my own thoughts again.
This just in. After realising I had accidentally booked my accommodation a month from now... I scrambled this morning to find a place. Somehow I had booked myself into a retreat villa 50 minutes away from the city centre of Ubud.... yikes. I did not plan on that.
I didn't even know it at the time. I was mortified when I arrived at the hotel I thought I booked (15 minutes away) and they told me I had booked with the wrong place. As fate would have it, THIS WAS JUST WHAT MY SOUL NEEDED.
As soon as I arrived to my supposedly accidental booking, my spirit felt calm. Its the first time in WEEKS that I could finally hear myself think.
This infinity pool, the lush nature, absolutely zero sounds of 'busy-ness'. I'm loving it here.
Okay... now lets recap you on some very vital update y'all. Today, I had a major breakthrough.
It’s strange, that I can barely put my experience to words. In short, I’ve been having some sort of semi-mid-life crisis experience. This morning, I mustered up all the energy I had inside me and decided I was going to get onto my 6:30am zoom call.
Before I left Sydney, I had scheduled in a coaching call with a friend of mine, Tanya who is an NLP practitioner. Not knowing what I was about to get myself into, somehow this call seemed to happen at the right time for me. Within 30 minutes, I was in tears. I could finally get some perspective. I finally felt seen and understood.
Tanya had put to words beautifully what I could barely describe. She said something along the lines of, “you are in a really big period of transition in your life where the old you has not yet had the chance to co-exist with the new you.” I had shared with her how I felt like my internal battle had a lot to do with permission, or the inability more-so, to give it to myself.
In a practise where we explored my subconscious, I had drawn an association between ‘guilt’ and ‘liberation,’ somehow correlating the feelings of guilt to a restriction of freedom. I have been experiencing guilt for not doing enough and a sense of inadequacy around being enough. As I ventured into this new experience of living more liberated, slow-paced and intuitively, I felt the pressure of my old self and the old paradigms of my world back home pressing on me. I could feel nothing but guilt.
I likened the feelings I’ve been experiencing to those I experienced back when I was a young girl- dealing with my parents’ divorce. I felt abandoned, unworthy & vulnerable of all the good things. I had to fend for myself and fight to survive- pushing myself to work harder, smarter and and faster so as not to feel vulnerable and helpless again. I don’t think I’d ever really acknowledged this part of myself.
Sure, in all the personal development work I’ve done in the past I’ve spoken about her before, but never have I actually come to terms with who who she is in my life. This part of me that worked so hard to get me here feels like my entire identity… and because of that, its hard for any other identity to co-exist. Including the part of me who now, wants to operate the entirely opposite way.
Living an intentionally slow, unattached and calm life requires a complete redefinition of who I know myself to be. Up until now, my transformations have been conscious. They have happened through the redirection of my thoughts, much of which has come from my logical thinking. I realised today, that a very little part of my growth has come from my subconscious. There’s an entire world of memories and experiences that live underneath the surface and now is the time that they get to surface. I often struggle to release mentally, completely because it means losing control of the story I tell… and therefore the image I hold.
A deep fear that is now really making itself known to me is the fear of being vulnerable. Truly uninhibited and not in control. This fear drives my behaviour. It is the reason why I work so hard, challenge myself so much (sometimes too much), struggle to be restful and feel guilt when I’m experiencing pleasure. It’s the reason why operating in scarcity is my most familiar state and is the cause of every resistance in my life.
Lately as the puzzle pieces of this journey slowly start to make sense to me, I find myself asking the question, “why me? What significance does this surrender experiment have? Is it for me? For my work in the world? Or for no other reason than life itself unfolding?”
I don’t have an answer yet. But I’m not so sure I’m supposed to even have one.
Today’s inner discovery led me one step closer to myself. My true self. It gave me permission to witness my inner child as well as to catch a glimpse of the reality I see myself living in. One that is free, expansive and unrestricted by her world. She moves about with confidence and surrender. She is a free spirit. This is her human experience and it is glorious! Colourful and filled with light. She is not bound by culture, religion, location or race. She is one with life and is deeply connected to the source of all goodness- God.
It sounds airy and very ethereal, but as I centre myself here- grounded, in and amongst the serenity of nature, I am reminded that I am held in the realm of impossibility all the time. My sole existence let alone every living and inanimate thing around me is a miracle. None of it is predictable or stable. The only thing that is, is the universal force that holds us all together. The divine. That which gives us breath and commands everything into existence. May I continue to walk in the wonder of it all.
May the journey continue to unfold. May my heart be made whole.
I welcome my future self here.
You are welcome.
I love you.
I am grateful for you.
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