As I stand here on the verge of what feels like a major crossroad, I can’t say for certain which direction life will take me. I can’t say that what I have been doing is ‘wrong’ either. I just feel there is a mystery about it all.
It is a lot more challenging to surrender than I thought it would be.
I noticed something about myself. Whenever I say I’m going to “rest,” I still expect myself to get things done. Even if on the surface I say that I’m taking time off or I’m unplugging, somehow I find myself expecting a level of productivity from myself in that time- whether it be to have captured content, journaled, read a book or in the most subtle of ways, to have had a major breakthrough. Somehow I force myself to get something out of these moments as a way to validate the experience I’m having… as if the purity of just having them is not enough.
Since arriving in Bali, I’ve been struck with some of the most confronting thoughts. These were paralysing, overwhelming and terrifying thoughts- threatening everything I’ve known and have built. It scared me to entertain them or to believe they could possibly be true so I ignore them, dismissing them as ‘random thoughts’ that arose out of guilt for not working.
But… as fate would have it I would become unwell twice within my first 2 weeks and then be forced to stay indoors for at least an extra day and a half to partake in Nyepi (a hindu festival marking the Balinese new year - called ‘day of silence). Its as if life was conspiring to have me stay in a room, locked with my own thoughts.
Funnily enough, on these three occasions being ‘stuck’ with myself, I was able to observe some patterns. As I mentioned above, I have a tendency to fill my ‘alone time’ with productive activity- even if they’re supposed to be restful activities, I expect myself to have a transactional experience from doing certain things- for example “if I journal, then I should have a big breakthrough moment” or “if I swim and read by the pool, I will definitely be more relaxed.”
Rather than letting the experience remain pure as what it is and experiencing it without expectation of any return, I get lost in the self dialogue, the overthinking or as the palm-reader, Kartika (from my first week in Canggu said)… “the what-ifs.”
Let’s be real, I had big expectations coming into this trip. Expectations to get massive work done, to get crystal clear on what I’m meant to be doing and to have an epic once in a lifetime adventure. Its been 2 weeks and I’ve been sick in bed 75% of the time and attempting to have my epic adventure the rest of the time.
Almost immediately, I felt the disconnect from social media. I was telling my partner, for some reason I just wanted to shut off the world. I didn’t want to be seen, I didn’t want to tell the world what was happening- I simply wanted to go through what I needed to go through in privacy. So after temporarily being off socials for one day on Nyepi… it wasn’t long until my soul craved that silence again and I decided I’d delete the app until the end of my trip… or at least until it felt right to be on it again.
If I’m being honest, part of me felt like I had gone insane. Was I having a breakdown? Or some form of a mid-life crisis? Maybe I was burnt out and this was how it was manifesting for me? I still don’t have the words to explain it. I don’t really know what’s going on. But I do know one thing for sure… some part of this feels spiritual.
The last time I travelled, I was in Thailand and it was a time of reconnection to my calling and to my voice. It was a season in life through which I found a new spring to my step and a fire in my belly. From that revelation came the major pivots in my brand and business- I owned the flow-based life and business coaching brand and I also started the ‘I AM HER’ movement. Both of which felt like a massive step forward in the right direction.
As I stand here on the verge of what feels like a major crossroad, I can’t say for certain which direction life will take me. I can’t say that what I have been doing is ‘wrong’ either. I just feel there is a mystery about it all.
As I come to terms with what is actually happening right now… it feels really surreal. I can’t believe it all has come to this.
I actually feel… lost… unworthy... abandoned....
Somehow these words resonate with how I feel (so much so that I didn't know they did until I found myself bursting into a pool of tears).
A screenshot of a message I sent to Jose, a few hours ago
When I left Sydney, it seemed as though life’s path was carved out for me. It seemed like I had the clearest picture of what was ahead for me, obviously not to the tee- but enough for me to distinguish and prepare for. This was only meant to be a fun little experiment.
I had no idea just how much I needed to surrender.
Just how much I would be stripped of everything I know.
It has been a long time since I’ve felt this way.
The last time I felt this feeling was when I was in my adolescent years… when I didn’t have a place to call “home.” I was young, vulnerable and lost to the storm of life as my family and everything I knew collapsed all around me. My parents had divorced and it was as though I was left to fend for myself. As I navigated those years of life, attempting to create some level of internal mental, emotional and physical safety- I found my faith.
My faith allowed me to get through some of the hardest times of my life. My time with God, the songs of worship, prayer were my refuge and my home. Through faith, I found everything I needed.
It astounds me how after 3 years since having started this journey building my business, pursuing personal growth and accomplishing everything I could ever have imagined out of my own will (financial independence, moving out, buying a car, travelling…) that now I find myself here. No apartment to call my own, living in another country out of one janky suitcase (yes… it’s falling apart LOL) with zero reputation. I am a nobody here.
The life of freedom, success and abundance I worked hard to build seems to have remained in Sydney, along with all of my belongings. And maybe that was the point all along.
It’s Ironic isn’t it? How things come around full circle like this?
I have to laugh at the way God lets it all happen and stands back wittingly.
I'm stripped of everything I know and own... and it truly feels humbling.
At least I can find comfort in one thing: there is a bigger picture here.
I would never have expected I would be here less than 2 weeks in. It has been brutal. The level at which I feel I am being humbled and broken down to my very essence. It all feels strangely deliberate. The tighter I try to control things, the harder it seems to get.
So here we are… the surrender experiment.
She is well and truly underway.
I cannot guarantee where I will be in the coming week, the coming few days or the next few hours… but I think that’s the point.
I can feel myself releasing the control. Surrendering the need to know the way (including the need to create MONEY, to work or to try and scavenge for my survival).
This is the ultimate test.
And just like Jonah in the whale, David in the cave and Daniel in the lion’s den.... before God could do anything great, these great leaders experienced a sense of humility and unworthiness, and in the hiding, God strengthened their character.
For so long I've been trying to be great out of my own accord and effort. I've been pursuing greatness or trying to fashion a version of what greatness could be and somehow I've lost the essence of who I am in it.
So in this season, for however long, in whatever way, may I remain hidden on purpose, may I meet my God in this surrender and may I be found worthy for my calling in due time...
But for now… here I will be.
P.S. To honour this chapter of my life, I will not be posting on social media until it feels right for me to do so again. For now... I want to be present with myself and the sacredness of these moments. I'll see you on my next post.
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