Today I handed back my apartment keys.
As I drove into my driveway, tears washed over my cheeks. It's official.
I'm really doing this.
I've been documenting the journey with a vlog (on my soon-to-be relaunched YouTube channel.
If I'm being honest- the past 3 weeks has been tough. It has been quite brutal emotionally and mentally... even physically actually. Moving out is already a lot. Let alone factoring in where to pack what items.
Let me explain. Between now and my departure to Bali for 3 months, I'm going on smaller trips which include:
Staycation (Jose's birthday surprise for me)
A 2 night Jervis Bay camping trip
A week long Byron Buy business retreat I'm hosting
Staying at my friends' house for a week
Not just that, I've been couch-surfing basically as I juggle consistent gym routine, coaching clients full time and also being a full-time dog-mama to Meatball.
For the first time in yonks, I can definitely say I have felt the brunt of exhaustion.
With the internal and external stresses, I've been finding myself feeling excited and occasionally in withdrawal, wondering why I've done this to myself?
I'll often catch myself lost in my thoughts while I'm sleeping on someone's couch or moving boxes in and out of my car, feeling mixed emotions... worried? anxious? excited? curious?
I can't even discern what the feelings are most times. It's just a huge cloud of everything.
This lifestyle is definitely teaching me a lot though. A lot about detaching from material possessions, unearthing my sense of physical home, challenging my intuitive connection my body & my ability to ground myself and create some sort of consistency in my routines to feel secure.
When everything feels like its rapidly spinning all around you all the time, the most secure thing you can have is your own ability to ground yourself.
As glamorous and as exciting it might seem on the outside, deep down I do feel the grief of this whole season. It truly feels like I'm losing something... or somehow parting with some part of me.
As I said goodbye to my apartment and my neighbours, I felt my stomach curl into a ball as I realised there's no turning back now.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you I already feel better- because tbh, I don't. I'm still just as terrified (with occasional bursts of excitement). It feels like there's still a long, slow road up ahead until I leave.
It's 1 whole month as of today until I board that plane... and if I'm being honest, right now- it feels like my emotions have taken a beating. It's been a whirlwind. And I honestly don't think it'll stop anytime soon.
Commenti